07/12/09, 10:03 PM

Today was bedlam. I had it all planned out, all of it! And then a panic attack just choked the nerve out of me. It was so humiliating! Felt like the ground was going to swallow me whole with everyone staring at me, only to roll their eyes at my “hysterics,” as the paramedic put it. They don’t understand. I was so close to getting caught… But it’s done. All I need to do now is disappear.

I can’t go home. Not for a few days at least. And I’ll have to avoid the usual haunts until they forget about me again. That won’t be difficult, what’s one more stressed doctor. Just a grey man in the crowd, unnoticed until I’m useful.

One man kept staring at me on the tube. He looked like he was connecting the dots… I’m paranoid, I know, lying low amongst wildflowers in an overgrown garden. The mud has ruined my shoes.

There’s not much in my briefcase. Still, listing helps keep it all straight:

• Files on “the star-crossed couple”
• Monday morning’s rounds – I hope Mrs. Campbell’s op went okay

I remember now. It was the jasmine. That perfume in the drizzling rain that drew me in. It reminds me so much of her.

Maddie loved the scent of jasmine. Loved to garden. She would have adored this place, tucked away amongst the ugly brick backstreets.

She would have quizzed me about the plants, and I would have told her I didn’t know. I didn’t even know gardens could bloom this late in the year.

I wasn’t really thinking when I pushed my way through the gates. Just following my nose to memories of happier times, I suppose. The scent is much more pungent here than it was outside, an almost overwhelming sickly-sweet rot amongst the bushes. Maddie would know what it was. But it’s dark and quiet, that’s the main thing.

The garden seems unmanaged, which suits me fine. It’s growing wild around the ruins of some bombed-out church. Nice to see nature, healing old wounds.

I scratched up my hands and face fighting past the bushes beneath one of the old arches. I’m cold but it’s worth it; no one will find me here.

I suppose there is one other possibility.

• The lock-up.

I still have a key. My name isn’t on the lease anymore, and it’s secure and dry, but… Maddie stored her stuff there after she moved out. I’m not sure I could face being surrounded by all that history, even if it would be more comfy.

I can’t sleep. This itch is killing me! Even the numbing cold from lying on the ground doesn’t dull it. It must be an anaphylactic response to something. The rash runs up my entire left side. I’ll try and find a better spot when the sun’s up.

Thought I heard someone calling my name. No flashlight though, no movement, just the voice. Sounds like Maddie. My hands won’t stop shaking.

Current condition:

• I taste aniseed.
• My nose is running. Normal mucus, thank god.
• The rash has spread across the whole of my back now, and if I move, I can feel the toughened area split and weep like a scab.
• Feeling very lethargic. Probably hypothermia. Not good.
• My fingernails are black with dirt, although I don’t remember digging…
• The scratches are all weeping now.
• Struggling not to fall back into vivid dreams.

I need to get up, get out of here for treatment. I’ll have to chance the pharmacist, at least. I saw one a few streets away. I’m not local, so I doubt they’d recognise me. I do still have my prescription pad with me, but using my own paperwork would be incredibly foolish.

This place is far bigger than I thought. Followed the birch trees and the canopies over that cobbled path near the close. Lined with moss. There’s a dense wall of thickets overwhelming the boundary fence. I know it, I remember that. I can’t hear the traffic at all now. It’s hard to keep moving.

I am terribly afraid. Thank god for Maddie. I need to treat her better. She’ll be back soon with medicine.

Condition update:

• Dry mouth and swollen tongue. Tasting burnt aniseed now.
• The fingers of my left hand are nearly immobile. Right is not much better. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to write.
• The pain in my abdomen has passed and the seeping has mostly stopped, but my back aches.
• I definitely have an infection. The scratches are budding some kind of polyps and the slightest touch feels like jabbing an exposed nerve.
• I stink of jasmine. At least I think I do.

I just need to rest, and it’s safe enough here. Maddie still hasn’t returned though. I hope she’s okay. I miss her laughter. And that smile.

I worry when she is out alone. She’ll talk to anyone, like Gerald. I never liked him. I should make more time for her; I’m too busy and work far too much. I get home and just – go to sleep! I need to be careful or we’ll drift apart. I don’t know what I would do if I thought I had lost her.

Maddie, is that you?

You’re right. I should stay.

She has come back to me! Just a whisper but it is her! I knew she would never leave me. She says there is a spot where I can sit out in the sun and feel the wind on my face. What would I do without her?

We have decided not to remove any more of me as my condition develops. Maddie feels it isn’t prudent, now that the vomiting has passed. It was touch-and-go there for a while, but I think I’ve gotten most of the rot out, and made enough room to grow.

We’ll monitor the progression, of course, with a strict regimen of fresh air, sunshine, and rest. The polyps should be blooming soon.

Condition update:

• I’ve gained some good weight and my skin is pulling away nicely, like blanched tomatoes.
• My legs will be nonresponsive soon. I need to finalise my position before then, but there are many variables to consider. Maddie is advising.
• The roots have freed themselves from the weight of my meat, as it sags from my bones and drops to the dirt.
• No greenfly or other parasites. I remain quite healthy.
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